Last year, at one of the drop-ins, this four-year-old came up and kissed me.
Smack dab on the mouth.
I didn’t see it coming. I was looking to my left, he came up on the right, grabbed my mug with his craft-glue covered paws and attacked me with his smooches.
Isn’t that keee-yooot?
Why, you ask?
Well, I reply, and I’m just going to come right out and say it, I didn’t particularly like this kid.
Whoa. Did I really just say that?
Yay! It’s time for more…
I’m under the firm belief that you shouldn’t look at, talk to, or interact in general with a pregnant woman unless you know them or are medically or maritally obligated to show interest in their pregnancy.
You never know what you’re going to get: spontaneous vomiting, narcolepsy, complete pregnancy-brain blither-blather (case in point), extreme violence or more vaginal-mucous TMI than one should ever be exposed to on a casual basis.
Conversely, yes, our pregnancy is all very interesting to us, but maybe not while we’re just trying to buy our gin and cigarettes and get home to watch Degrassi Jr High.
So for the health and safety for all, I’ve created these warning signs and definitions that fetus-freighting-females can post in order to save everyone the trouble of embarrassing social awkwardness. (This post excluded of course.)
No, go ahead, applause. I’ll wait.
* * *
Please memorize as there will be a written and practical test afterward.
|Fat and flatulent, thanks for asking.|
|Yeeeahh…I’m actually 11 weeks from my due date, jerk.
If you say that it looks like I’m “ready to pop”, you’re more right than you know.
|Of course, you can rub my belly, creepy stranger, but it’s coming right back atcha.
Feels goooood dudinit?
|_||These kankles can pack quite the wallop when I shin-kick. Now hand over the poutine without comment, knave.|
|Thank you again for this dramatic display of chivalry, sir, but do I need to bend over and SHOW you my hemorrhoids before you’ll accept that I don’t want your seat on the bus?|
|Thanks for the compliment, but I hate to disappoint…
It’s not “glow”, it’s kegels.